Missing

I miss my mom so much, now that I'm home alone with Victor.
Just because I now fully realize what an enormous support she would have been, if she'd still been here. Someone I could share all my health problems with, someone who could give me tons of advise, who would be happy to babysit if I have yet another doctor's visit, who would help me out with all the rest of the household chores. And who would have loved to do all that. And now, I cannot even call her.

P's mom is helping, she really is. In lots of ways. For which I'm very thankful.But there's just no such thing as your own mother. I mean : who else can I call when I'm in tears, just because I'm having a bad day, and I haven't slept more than an average of three-four hours the last month and a half? There was just one person who would always pick up the phone (never an answering machine), who would always listen, and always say the right things to comfort me: right, mom.

I've been trying to be so strong the past 4 weeks. And I have been. I can count the times that I really cried on one hand, and even then I fought back the tears, or had to "get a grip" to take care of Victor and carry on. Today, I just feel I'm losing the battle a bit. One wrong word and I feel guttered. A wrong look and I start to cry.

God, I miss her. There are just no words to describe the feeling. It physically hurts. Heartache, in every sense of the word.
One of my mom's best friends gave me a hug at the end of the funeral, and told me, very kindly and honestly "You know the worst is still to come, don't you?". He was so right. The longer she's away, the more I miss her.
What will I do in a couple of months, when it's my birthday, Christmas, etc? When traditions that I've known since I was born (like spending Christmas with my parents in the Ardens) will stop altogether? When I will not even hear her voice on the morning of my birthday?

If only I could just cry my eyes out for a couple of days, and sleep for a couple of nights to recover from the exhaustion that intense emotions inevitably bring with them.
Someone told me this morning : "other women do the same thing, and are able to do all that" (so in other words : why can't you? What's wrong with you that you don't seem to manage?).
Maybe I have a little bit more on my plate than "other women". That's just the facts, not self pity.
If I'm weak now, than that's only because I've tried to be strong for so long.

I miss her - but saying or writing it a thousand times still won't bring her back.

N's life 2.0

They say you're never the same after losing your mother.
They say you're life will never be the same after becoming a mother.
So what happens if those two life-changing events happen at the same time?
Let me tell you : you're lost, and you don't know how you get through it - but somehow, you wake up again in the morning (even if you haven't slept), and life goes on.

People say "I didn't know she was that sick" as an excuse for not having called, not having been in touch. Well, she had cancer. Not a cold. It's a deadly disease. What part of that didn't they understand?

People say "Little V will comfort you, and will make it easier". Well, on the contrary. V doesn't make it any easier - he makes it all far more difficult.
- when I laugh because he does something funny, I feel guilty. Who's happy when their mother has just passed away?
- when I cry because I miss my mom so much, I feel guilty. Now that I finally have what I wished for for so many years, I feel sad most of the time.
- I slept two hours the night before my mom's funeral, and the same after that most exhausting day. V's hunger doesn't take into account the fact that strong emotions already make you very tired.
- When I tried to say goodbye to my mom by going through her little things in her room, I got called away. V was hungry. No time for mourning.
- When V threw up minutes before we had to leave for the funeral, I had to leave him behind. No time to feed him, we had to be at the church in time.
- V was born and had to stay in neonatal intensive care for 7 days. At the same time my mother went to hospital for her last days. I had to choose between staying in one hospital to feed my baby, and spending what were possibly the last hours, days, in another hospital, with my mom.
- Breastfeeding can go seriously wrong because of fatigue, stress, and emotional shock. So, yes, on top of everything else, I didn't have enough milk anymore to feed little V. Resulting in feeling guilty and failing, and even more time spent on "feeding".
- the past two weeks, my life was made out of three things : trying to produce milk, being forced to rest or sleep the time in between, and doing the practical stuff for my mother's funeral. Almost no time was left to enjoy the nice things that come with a baby, like going for a walk, receiving visitors, collecting all the gifts we received, etc. I feel like a prisoner in my own apartment.
- V's birthday, and the memory if his birth, will forever be linked with the loss of my mom. I waited almost ten years to fulfill my dream - and now, sometimes, it looks like a nightmare.
- "Take good care of your dad" was one of the phrases I heard most yesterday. When or how am I supposed to do that? Believe me, in other circumstances I would be with him day and night. But as it happens, I have a three week old baby. So while we're at it, throw that as well on top of all the other guilty feelings.

So no, by no means, does V make it "easier".
But he is our little man, and I love him with all my heart.