Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pins & needles

My mom’s white bloodcell count is down, and I’ve been suffering from colds and sore throats on and off for the last 4 weeks. Put one and two together, and you have it : I’m not allowed to go anywhere near her. I’m stuck here in the apartment, looking at walls that are cold and white, and still give no hint of being « home » . I feel my life has been uprooted the last 10 months, in every sense of the word, and here I am…floating somewhere, trying to get a grip – without any success.
This stupid blog being the only place I can come to spill it all out – that is, with a serious amount of sensoring, as it is, allas, not completely anonymous.
The one person who’s always been there for me, out of reach. Telling me she’s happy to see I’m doing so well…Ha, what am I to say or do ? Mom, sorry, but actually I’m falling to pieces and I feel there’s nothing left of me ? No, right, not an option. I have to be there for her, smiling, supporting, not giving her the slightest notice of the fact that I’d much rather throw in the towel. Being a puppet held by a few strings : get up in the morning, go to work, come here, try to get through the evening alone by staring at a screen, go to sleep in a bed that gives me awful backpains, other nights standing in traffic jams for two hours to get to my parents, and in between weekends where I try to find the energy to spend « quality time ».
Sorry, bad day. Must be the fever.

1 comment:

Court said...

N,

Your entry breaks my heart. Hang in there.

Best,

Court