Thursday, April 21, 2011

Roller coaster

So much is going on that I often don’t know how to feel anymore. And the raging hormones are probably not really helping either.

There are Tiny N’s little kicks – each and every single one of them making me so unbelievably happy.

There’s my mom’s illness – making me so sad I feel sick.

There’s the new job, causing stress.

It’s as if I’m on an emotional roller coaster – but I’m riding it on my own. No one seems to wonder how I’m doing it all, how I keep on going; pregnant, new job, and bad news. Yes, I feel pretty lonely. Every time I call a friend, it seems as if I’m calling at the wrong moment. Answering machine or no time to talk. Or when I do talk to them, I’m doing me very best to keep up appearances, and I just want to show the happiest side of myself. P is over his head in some project. I can’t show my mom how I’m feeling – I have to be there for her. The only one who calls me, and asks about me, about my mom, about the new job is…my mother-in-law. She seems the only one who’s aware of what’s going in my life right now. She remembers when my mom is in hospital, starting a new therapy – and she calls me to ask how it went. She hears the weather forecast and the pollen count, and calls me to see if I can still breath without antihistamines. And she seems the only one to realize what an effort it takes to start a new job in “my situation” (and even advised against it, but anyhow…).

Sorry for all the complaining, but I have to do it somewhere. I can’t keep up the happy face 24/7 as if everything is going great in my life. I’m afraid to loose one of the people I need most, I'm emotionally exhausted, and I very much need a break from it all.

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