Why?

Every time I get some very bad news, I wonder how it’s possible that the world around me is just going on. The sun is shining, the weather is gorgeous, inside me there’s a small miracle happening…and yet, at these moments I wonder how such beauty can still exist. I feel as if it shouldn’t be allowed – as if it’s completely out of place, and not justified at all.


My mom’s scan results are not good. The cancer has conquered, once again. Last night, I dreamed about my grandmother. She came to me, and said I should prepare for the worst. I was very angry at her – but she stayed calm, and said “everybody dies, so will your mother. One day you’ll have to choose a coffin. You can’t be in denial – you have to face reality”.

I woke up, feeling so sick. And I knew I would get bad news today. After all, this grandmother also came to me in a dream the night she died – preparing me for the news I would get in the morning. So I knew. I knew before calling my mom at noon that it would be no good.

I don’t know how to get through this anymore. Especially not with his baby growing inside me. I want to be happy and enjoy this pregnancy. But how can I, with this huge dark cloud hanging directly above my head? I can’t help but asking myself “what have I done to deserve this” – although I know that’s a completely useless question.

I so badly need a break from this fight, that’s been going on for three years now. Hope that’s being crushed time after time. I’ d like to go to my mom now – but I simply can’t. I can’t be there for here, when I myself feel as weak and fragile as a dried leaf. I lack all strength – and I really can’t give her any hope today – as I haven’t got any myself. I can’t comfort her, when all I do is cry. I don’t know how to do this anymore, how to get through this again.