Fuck

There, that should generate a few extra hits on this blog.
Anyway, there’s no other way to describe the way I feel. Blame my friends. Who keep digging, and asking (or just look at me) and manage to put their finger exactly on the sore spot. “Don’t give up, N” or “Noooo, never let go of your dream” or “well, ok, fine,… but I’m still convinced you’d be an excellent mom”. Thanks guys, really. I had almost fooled myself, but apparently I can’t fool any of you.

Still, trust me, I have to let it go now – even if it means cutting a few other strings (hope, patience,…) as well. It’s either that, or getting dragged down again. So please, let me fool myself just a bit more, ‘kay? Just promise me you’ll all be there when the truth hits again.

In the meantime, to fill my life with everything “but”, I’m still looking at camera’s. So, apparently, it’s not yet another “creative hobby impulse that lasts about a month”. No, it really isn’t. Thinking about it today, I realized I spend most of my time taking pictures whenever we go on holiday (I think there are places I’ve only seen through a lens), and at least twice a day I think “mm, that would be a nice picture”. Over the past two years, I’ve created a complete series on the park in our neighbourhood, catching all the different seasons (“girl taking off shorts” in one of the previous posts belongs to this series). And for more than a year now, I’m thinking about starting a picture blog.

So what’s stopping me? Only a mere 600 Euro’s, to be completely honest. To buy my first real reflex camera. With all my students gone on holidays, and with planned holidays myself, cash isn’t exactly flowing these days (well it is, but in the wrong direction!). For more than two months I’ve been doubting: savings’ account or not? Anti-cellulite treatment or camera? Cheaper camera or the one I really want? *sigh*. I guess it all comes down to Carrie’s last question :

Charlotte: So how are you?
Carrie: I'm good. How are you?
Charlotte: Great.
Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair and he broke up with me.
Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?