Sunday, May 18, 2008

Keep on writing

After two weeks of loosing myself in grief and sleepless nights, life is slowly getting back to "normal". Yes, my mom has cancer, and is starting her first chemo tomorrow. Yes, the sadness and the fear are always there. But I can sleep again (most of the time). I can talk to people without bursting into tears every five minutes. I can read a book and listen to music. And I'll try to write again. Somehow, this big C-word, and all its implications, has found a place in my life - and I just have to deal with it. There are still times that I get very angry and very frustrated. Those are the worst. I prefer the tears over the anger.

A few things I've learned these past days:
- sadness can physically hurt. I told P that giving birth can't possibly hurt as much (I might have to change my mind on that one one day)
- even if you don't belief in God, you think of him when everything else seems hopeless
- strong emotions can make you very, very tired (I still feel like I just did four weeks of non-stop studying for exams at university)
- you can't understand how a sunset can still be so beautiful when your whole world seems to end
- when you feel hopeless, sad and very weak yourself, you can still manage to find the strenght to be there for other people
- "time" becomes a strange concept. It's your enemy and your friend at the same time. A day can last a week. But a week can fly by without you noticing it.
- friends try to find ways to help you. But their biggest help is just in showing that they're thinking of you. And luckily, that's what they did. In the toughest of times, their messages were like hands pulling me through.
- P is my hope, my love, my strenght. It's in his arms that I find some peace of mind.

So here we are: I managed to write more than a few lines again. Without crying. Without just staring at a white screen for half an hour. I did it. Pfew...

1 comment:

res i(p)sa said...

You're in our thoughts; we miss you.