Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Searching for strength

Writing is tough right now, but I'll give it a try.
Over the past few days, I've received phone calls, emails, blog comments. All little stars in a pitchblack night. All wishing me strenght. And you know what? Sometimes I manage to find that strength. Like when I join my mom in hospital for another test, and I see her lying there in pain, suffering and completely helpless. Then I feel a force within me that somehow just takes over. Only to crash again when I come home again, late in the evening, all alone, surounded by pictures and memories.
I have no control whatsoever over how I feel. One moment I'm furious and so angry I could happily hit somebody. The next moment, it's like I took a box of tranquilizers. I go from hopeful to hopeless. From denial to raw reality.
Right now, I'm just going to sit outside in the sunny garden, with my mom, dad and our two cats. And try to just live in the moment, not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow.

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