Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Puzzles and patterns

My life feels a bit fragmented lately, and I fail to see the bigger picture. Maybe that comes with taking it day by day (or even moment by moment) or with living in two countries at the same time. There’s the puzzle-piece “job”, right now only a financial security-piece, I don’t care anymore about content, level, company culture, whatever. All that can wait. There’s the puzzle piece “children”, where I feel more and more I can’t wait anymore. There’s the piece “relationship”, that should get more attention, but is somehow still waiting to find its destined place in the puzzle. Come the pieces : home, parents, hospital, doctors, mom, disease, future ??? – all clustered in the middle. Of course there are the pieces INSEAD, MBA, parties, France, friends. And also somewhere in the puzzle are new apartment and moving.
I could go on and on about each of these pieces, but
1) I feel that would become a boring read in the end
2) it wouldn’t get me any further

Maybe I just feel a bit lost. Which is not unusual, ‘cause it’s once again a “last evening in Brussels ». With all the commuting between Fonty and home, I’ve discovered there’s an emotional pattern developing, making the “lows” kind of predictable.
Leaving Fonty to go home : sad for leaving P
Coming home : guilty for not having been here, anxiety about being alone again
Being home : feeling ok, as long as there is no additional stress such as contacts with the company or hunting for apartments. Just ordinary good and bad days.
Leaving home for Fonty : sad for leaving mom, feeling lost
Coming to Fonty : often very tired, and in need of emotional rest, love and attention
Being in Fonty : feeling ok, seeing the bright side of life thanks to friends.

Which brings me to the following point (and rises my spirits!). On the menu for this week so far : a last party at chateau Fleury and The “Bubble” Cabaret. And “home” coming to Fonty, as my parents will spend a long weekend in Barbizon. All those I love in one place : now there's a completed puzzle!

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