Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Inevitable insomnia

I really shouldn’t have bragged about sleeping. Ever since writing the previous post, insomnia’s back. I go to bed, armoured with relaxing book, meditation track on my Ipod, camomile tea, lavender on my bedside table…..and: nothing. Or rather : a lot of things. My mind takes off on a journey of its own, hopping from one subject to another. Last night’s trip went something like this:

- What should I do job-wise?
Reading job descriptions that even faintly resemble my previous job make me nauseous. Granted, I still have six more months to think about it, but still….Should I do some teaching again? I really liked it in Fonty…If only my mom hadn’t become ill….
- Will the cancer come back?
I can’t help it, but last year made me realise that my parents won’t be around forever; I consider every moment that I can spend with my mom as a god’s gift – and the fear that she will become ill again is always there. If only P were awake now; I need a hug, badly. A tear is sliding down my cheek because I had such a wonderful day with her today.
- Thinking about shopping with my mom :where will I find a saree in Brussels in time for the Indian wedding we go to next month?
- P is so tired lately. The four-day trip to India won’t make it any better. What can I do to make him happier/ more relaxed? If only I had the money to buy that watch he likes so much….
- F***, I still have to find a birthday present for my godchild A
- Back to work: should I accept the compromise the union and the ex-company are offering me, or should I continue to fight, only in the name of justice? I feel soooo angry. Now I have no career, and no family.
- When will I have a baby? Why does my world look like it’s crammed with push chairs and pictures of pregnant friends on Facebook?
- Tomorrow I have to iron – no more excuses (I don't know where the neurological link between ironing and babies comes from...)
- OK, let’s try to sleep again. Picture every thought as a log on a river that is slowly drifting away. Oh shit, the logs are turning into coffins! I knew I shouldn’t have watched that goddamn movie. Ok, great, now the river is full of piranhas eating their way through the coffins.
At which point I turned on the light, and continued reading in “Petite Anglaise” until 2.00 AM. 4 hours later I was awake again, as P had to get up to catch an early Thalys train to Paris.

Of course, my midnight thinking has left me non the wiser. Nor is the ironing done. I haven’t found a saree yet, or suddenly got pregnant. I’m still clueless on the jobfront, and my official dismissal papers that arrived in the mail today didn’t do any good for my mood in general. But: I got A’s birthday present! Although I think I would’ve achieved that too without an almost sleepless night…

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