Open the bookshop I’ve been dreaming about for the last 10 years. Although it might just as well be a jewellery or accessory shop. Go into teaching again. Try to find a job as a career counsellor (so I can be my own first customer ;-). Go back into HR
In the mean time, I’ve sent two applications letters. Not really because I desperately wanted those jobs, but more as part of my therapy to see if I was up for it already. The first one was for a part-time job as an assistant in a career counselling company. It caused a sleepless night, panic attacks and nightmares. The second one was for a job as a language teacher, and it caused…nothing, just a slight irritation because I haven’t heard anything from them yet.
The way I feel right now towards working again, has made me realise how much in fact I was/am traumatized by my former job. I continued working for three years in an environment where I felt very unhappy. I was the youngest of the entire department, I constantly had to prove myself twice as hard, there was no room for friendliness or personal contacts, my boss was the harshest, coldest person I’ve ever met, and backstabbing was a daily activity amongst colleagues. And yet, I never left. For all the wrong reasons. Because I wanted to be able to take a leave of absence to go to France with P. Because I already had 6 years of seniority in this company. Because I felt grateful and in debt as they had given me this opportunity. Because I always thought I would be pregnant soon. Because I didn’t want to disappoint my boss. Because my mom got ill, and I didn’t have the strength to look for anything else.And, last but not least: because change terrifies me.
Don’t worry: I’ve learned my lesson. The price I’ve paid the last few months was simply too high. I’ll never push myself to those limits again. Nor will I stay in a situation where I’m unhappy just out of fear of change. The moment I can trust myself for 100% on those two, I’ll be ready to work again.
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