Friday, March 20, 2009

Not working

Two months have passed since I got fired – unbelievable. I’m still paid until the end of July, and hopefully, by then I’ve figured out what I want to do with my life. Right now, this still goes in all directions.
Open the bookshop I’ve been dreaming about for the last 10 years. Although it might just as well be a jewellery or accessory shop. Go into teaching again. Try to find a job as a career counsellor (so I can be my own first customer ;-). Go back into HR . Do something “valuable”, like working for a charity organisation. And the list goes on…

In the mean time, I’ve sent two applications letters. Not really because I desperately wanted those jobs, but more as part of my therapy to see if I was up for it already. The first one was for a part-time job as an assistant in a career counselling company. It caused a sleepless night, panic attacks and nightmares. The second one was for a job as a language teacher, and it caused…nothing, just a slight irritation because I haven’t heard anything from them yet.

The way I feel right now towards working again, has made me realise how much in fact I was/am traumatized by my former job. I continued working for three years in an environment where I felt very unhappy. I was the youngest of the entire department, I constantly had to prove myself twice as hard, there was no room for friendliness or personal contacts, my boss was the harshest, coldest person I’ve ever met, and backstabbing was a daily activity amongst colleagues. And yet, I never left. For all the wrong reasons. Because I wanted to be able to take a leave of absence to go to France with P. Because I already had 6 years of seniority in this company. Because I felt grateful and in debt as they had given me this opportunity. Because I always thought I would be pregnant soon. Because I didn’t want to disappoint my boss. Because my mom got ill, and I didn’t have the strength to look for anything else.And, last but not least: because change terrifies me.

Don’t worry: I’ve learned my lesson. The price I’ve paid the last few months was simply too high. I’ll never push myself to those limits again. Nor will I stay in a situation where I’m unhappy just out of fear of change. The moment I can trust myself for 100% on those two, I’ll be ready to work again.

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