Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Busted by the brain

Things are going well lately. As you might have noticed on this blog. I’m not complaining, and I consider myself lucky. Still, tonight, one tiny stupid remark suddenly brought back so many emotions (negative ones). I relived the pain I felt during that anno horibilis 2008 – the pain of feeling rejected, of broken dreams, of feeling utterly and completely lost, of seeing no solutions – only problems and darkness. I never thought that the mentioning of the amount of books I own could trigger something like this, but the brain works in mysterious ways (mine does, in any case).
The last 2 weeks, it’s as if this brain of mine is also telling me: “ok, you’re feeling better now, you’re doing ok, you’re strong again. Now look back at everything that has happened, at what you’ve been through, and try to deal with it, in a sane way. Yes, also the stuff you’ve been hiding or ignoring. Get everything sorted out. Then move on.” Easier said than done. Some scars just won’t leave, no matter how many creams and lotions you try on them.


The Duchess said...

I love your writing. I've had weeks of smooth sailing myself, a little tired from the mini-me's visit but overall really positive, feeling strong and confident. Yesterday was one of the best day's I've had in three or four months. And then BAM! This evening over happy hour cocktails with some co-workers the mood strikes me and I feel exactly like you're describing. Why does a comment from a guy I don't even care about send me home feeling like the smallest person on earth? How can you go from really great day to utterly shattered in like 10 minutes? It's crazy. The only good news is that I know I'll get the good feeling back. But tonight I feel sad, and no one is around, so I popped on the computer is search of some inspiration and just reading that another like-minded woman experiences the same thing sometimes felt comforting. Thanks for being honest and for being real! Love what you have to share, it made my night tonight! - The Duchess

N said...

Thanks Duchess! Hope it's a bright new day in LA when you're reading this.